I just find I don't believe in God. It just doesn't seem to be true, and no amount of thinking about it seems to make it true. It seems inherently untrue. And the thing that's hard about honing that position is, as a reporter, I've seen many times how a belief in God has transformed somebody's life. In all the ways I feel like you can witness God's work here on earth, I feel like I've seen that. I've met a lot of people -- it's been the thing that's changed them, that's sustained them in a way that I wish I could believe. But I simply find I don't and I don't feel like it's something I have a choice about. I could pretend I believe a God exists, but the world seems explainable to me without it.
I remember, even when I was growing up a little kid, it all seemed, especially the Christian version -- arbitrary. That the entire universe would be created, and the system that was set up was: you could actually lead a perfectly good life, and a life organized around good deeds and caring for others, and yet if you simply didn't accept Jesus himself, the Creator of the Universe would feel so vengeful about it that you'd be condemned to an eternity of torture. It just seemed like a really weird system. Like what difference would it make to the Creator of Everything? The whole thing seemed really arbitrary. Even as a kid, I felt like, "Well, if that's the system: fine. I accept my damnation. I don't think it's a fair system. But fine." I just don't believe.
